I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
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It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.