A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
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“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/