When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
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Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen