Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
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*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
For those that worship cheese..
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.