i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
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*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.