Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
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Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
The cashier just checked me out.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them