Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
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Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
A Short Story.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
😅😅😅
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.