The Book. The Movie.
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I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
rapatouille
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.