I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
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My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
So inspired right now.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
My apartment is a mess, I should move
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.