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A drum solo but on your face.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”