A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
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I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Friday
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count