I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
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becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me