The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
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WTF
*frowns in Scottish*
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.