ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
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I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
This was my dad’s browser history.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall