I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
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When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Jokes on them. I took 10.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
How it started: How it’s going:
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.