Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
You Might Also Like
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I can’t stop watching this.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
ouch
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!