Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
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[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
how to have fun when you’re poor
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.