*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
This is I, Robot all over again
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”