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“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I’m sorry…what?
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Probably my best painting.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”