can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
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“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume