PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
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My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
is this how new cars are made??
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now