You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
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The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope