Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
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Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Ha
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.