Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
You Might Also Like
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
In banana years, I am bread.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.