him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
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“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
so much to do
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank