You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
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We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean