Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
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I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.