Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
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ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
saw this in a dream
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
TWEET CALL
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