him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
You Might Also Like
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Always…
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Many hands make light work
“Huge”.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”