Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*launders Kohls cash*
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”