Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
You Might Also Like
you gotta be faster
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I triple waxed for this?