Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
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Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.