Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
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Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place