Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
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Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
This was a bad idea all around
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.