[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
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“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two