Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
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JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
socratic questions
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle