I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
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2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.