Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
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Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.