Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
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How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I have no passwords left in me