blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
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Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
This fish is cracking me up
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL