Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
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I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
sry
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.