ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
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Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
(Jupiter –
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?