I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
You Might Also Like
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
gm
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
#winning
Meow
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever