the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
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Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*