If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
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had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
somebody come look at this
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Do not steal food from the science building!
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.