a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
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Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]