wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
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Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”