I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
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Breaking news:
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
spicy snake
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?