I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
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My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead