The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
You Might Also Like
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
And that about sums it up.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.